lonely alone on my rainy patio

Okay. If you are reading this…if this actually made it to my blog, then this is me being very, very brave. Transparent. Unafraid. Maybe not brave enough to give you my sad face toward the camera, but I am giving you a piece of my lonely girl heart tonight.

The kind of “lonely girl” I am tonight doesn’t feel as romantic and independent as I do in previous posts. The kind of lonely girl I am tonight is actually lonely, like in a sad way. And, I haven’t really felt that way in a while. Tonight I feel the kind of lonely that actually aches a little in your belly. And, I have no idea what brought it on either. (Stupid lonely!)

I know I’ll feel better by the light of day. I just will because that’s the way I am. Lonely can’t keep me down! But, the truth is for tonight I’d actually like to cry a little. So far the tears won’t come. Guess the sky is crying for me this time…a slow steady cry.

My heart actually stings. And, it’s very uncomfortable to consider sharing that out loud. Yet somehow, I know that I am not the only one who identifies with that deep longing that rushes in on you out of nowhere and just won’t leave on its own. We are all human souls. We each do things and say things to protect our hearts from aching. But the only real way to do that is to not take any chances at all on life and relationships. And in the end, if the way you protect yourself from loneliness is to isolate yourself from life and love, then psssst…you are alone.

And that really just painfully reminds me of a time I felt very lonely when I wasn’t alone at all. In that light I am very content to be alone tonight. Because the truth is, I would rather be lonely alone than lonely together.

So, this is me embracing lonely for exactly what it is. It hurts. Lonely is more than being alone, isn’t it? That’s what I’ve been…alone. And, I’m kinda cool with that. At this point in my journey, I actually prefer it to a degree. But, this – tonight – this kind of lonely hurts. I hurt.

But, I’m not afraid of that either. It only makes me think of other “lonelies” that I probably pass by every day who long for a human touch, a hug, a smile, to be looked in the eyes, to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard…to be loved without judgment and conditions. So, if I hug, touch, make eye contact, notice, listen, love – then I am doing us both a favor. Interesting how that works.

Hmm…I’m kinda happy now, for a “lonely girl”.

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9 thoughts on “lonely alone on my rainy patio

  1. you’re right… being lonely can have a hollow ache to it. But its in those lonely times that God can speak to our hearts, in the stillness – if we’ll be brave enough to face our selves and our hearts. It’s important to face the emotions in this time, not just teh lonliness, but all of our feelings, and listen to our heart’s cry towards God. What is your heart echoing Home in this lonliness? What is your father whispering to your heart, in teh solitude. I’m reminded of Elisha, and his battle with lonliness… God met Elisha where he was, met his needs, sheltered him and even showed Elisha a real glimpse of God.
    I don’t claim to always know the purpose, but I know that God can and does meet us in our lonliness and breathes life into it.

    • Thank you for sharing your heart with me, Elicia. You are precious! It’s amazing how many people have asked or assumed that the path I am walking has pulled me away from God, when in reality I have never been more authentic with Him in my life. And, that alone has made this journey worthwhile…being loved for exactly who I am – not just who I want Him (and the rest of the world) to see. Love you.

  2. In a stingie way it’s comforting to hear that there are others that on some nights have a need to cry for no apparent reason. You are fabulous, keep sharing.

  3. Oh, how I have been there. Still on occasion. ‘Being Still’ is something I had to learn to do (and it was hard for me). I think it is about my favorite thing now…to just ‘Be Still’ and spend time being thankful, feeling my emotions, and praying for guidance. 🙂

  4. Sweet Andria! This just means you are making progress and embracing life. Accepting and savoring the different emotions. Good write also.

  5. Hey Lonely Girl,

    Great post. Isn’t it amazing how just getting those feelings and emotions out helps heal? I have blogged myself happy through several tough situations. Keep it up!

  6. really great post! I enjoy reading yours – you so remind me of someone that was very close to me at one point in my life, then God decided he needed her more than I did. ❤

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