Okay. If you are reading this…if this actually made it to my blog, then this is me being very, very brave. Transparent. Unafraid. Maybe not brave enough to give you my sad face toward the camera, but I am giving you a piece of my lonely girl heart tonight.
The kind of “lonely girl” I am tonight doesn’t feel as romantic and independent as I do in previous posts. The kind of lonely girl I am tonight is actually lonely, like in a sad way. And, I haven’t really felt that way in a while. Tonight I feel the kind of lonely that actually aches a little in your belly. And, I have no idea what brought it on either. (Stupid lonely!)
I know I’ll feel better by the light of day. I just will because that’s the way I am. Lonely can’t keep me down! But, the truth is for tonight I’d actually like to cry a little. So far the tears won’t come. Guess the sky is crying for me this time…a slow steady cry.
My heart actually stings. And, it’s very uncomfortable to consider sharing that out loud. Yet somehow, I know that I am not the only one who identifies with that deep longing that rushes in on you out of nowhere and just won’t leave on its own. We are all human souls. We each do things and say things to protect our hearts from aching. But the only real way to do that is to not take any chances at all on life and relationships. And in the end, if the way you protect yourself from loneliness is to isolate yourself from life and love, then psssst…you are alone.
And that really just painfully reminds me of a time I felt very lonely when I wasn’t alone at all. In that light I am very content to be alone tonight. Because the truth is, I would rather be lonely alone than lonely together.
So, this is me embracing lonely for exactly what it is. It hurts. Lonely is more than being alone, isn’t it? That’s what I’ve been…alone. And, I’m kinda cool with that. At this point in my journey, I actually prefer it to a degree. But, this – tonight – this kind of lonely hurts. I hurt.
But, I’m not afraid of that either. It only makes me think of other “lonelies” that I probably pass by every day who long for a human touch, a hug, a smile, to be looked in the eyes, to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard…to be loved without judgment and conditions. So, if I hug, touch, make eye contact, notice, listen, love – then I am doing us both a favor. Interesting how that works.
Hmm…I’m kinda happy now, for a “lonely girl”.