don’t read this post from Starbucks

Don’t read this post from Starbucks

because I don’t want to write it…

It hurts like hell, and I hate it.  I hate it a lot.  I hate what it has been doing to the inside of me, tearing me apart from the inside out.  And, I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT AT ALL want to share it with you…because well, it hurts and I hate it.  And frankly, I would prefer not to share this pain or be criticized for the way I handle it.  So seriously, you can look at the pretty picture and STOP reading here…

…unless you’ve ever had your heart torn from your chest and hurt like hell, too.

There’s no pretty, poetic way to say where my heart has been.  If I choose to be authentic, and I do, then all I can say is:  I am profoundly sorry.  When I hold my little boy and my little girl in their beds at night, when I kiss their sleeping faces or nuzzle my cheek against their blonde heads, I AM PAINFULLY SORRY.

I never in a million years thought my marriage would end.  I never imagined I would be here.  Never.  I don’t grieve my loss anymore, but God in Heaven, I grieve theirs!  And, I am so sorry for letting them down.  It is shameful, excrutiatingly painful and ugly.  It hurts to the point I swear and sob, and cry out to God on my knees.

I have never known a love like the love I know for my sweet children.  They are the most beautiful, amazing people I have ever known in my life.  From the time they grew in my belly, to their tiny sleeping bodies curled up in my arms, their wet kisses, their intimate whispers, their gentle hands in my hair and on my face, their trusting eyes and open hearts, my name on their lips saying, “mommy” or “momma” or “I love you”…for all of this and thousands memories more my heart overflows with love for them.

“To make the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart

go walking around outside your body.” 

Elizabeth Stone

God be with us for You promised to bind up the broken-hearted.

And, I’m holding You to it.

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